We Don’t Love Them Hoes!….oh wait, yes we do February 20, 2010

I am a girl. I’m not even gonna go in on that whole “I’m not a girl, I’m a woman and I handle mines” bullshit, because even though I am 19 and legally an adult, I still live with my mother and also  I’m pretty sure that I have not yet attained the maturity/ life exprience level yet to truly be considered a woman. Having said that, I am a girl and I’m proud and I love being a girl and it’s great. BUT HOWEVER.  There are many, many times that I am as bewildered, exasperated, and ashamed of my gender as all the guys seem to be. And one of the most egregious examples of this bullshit is when ladies insist on refusing to let go a of a guy who is clearly not good for them and does not care about them one fraction of the amount that that they care about him.

So, before you think my heart is three sizes too small or that I’m just talking to be saying shit, let me tell you guys, I UNDERSTAND. About 5 months ago, this one nigga broke my heart into at least 4 trillion pieces. I loved him. He was the biggest part of my life for 2 years. He made me dozens of starry eyed promises about our future. He made me laugh more than anybody else in the world, and he is literally the only person besides my mom who  has ever seen me cry. I could and did talk to him for hours every day, and every time something funny or interesting or important would happen, he would be the one to get a breathless phone call or a silly text message about it. We laughed about the same things, had the same pet peeves, and wanted the same goals in life.  I honestly felt, and still do sometimes, that he was my soul mate.

But then this motherfucker thought it would be cool to lie to me about messing with his “ex” , who by the way did not have shit on me (just saying). I was devastated when I found out. I cried like a little bitch for days and I thought my heart was gonna fall out of my butt. And I listened to his apologies and professions of love for me and promises to never hurt me again and I forgave him, which I don’t regret. I feel like everybody deserves a second chance, even lying assholes. So we were back to our happy fairy tale whatever, until about 6 months later when I found out he was fucking around again…WITH THE SAME EX. Once again, tears and my heart falling out of my butt. Once again, apologies and promises and “you’re the one I’ll always love”  But you know what they say….fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, get your wack ass outta my face bitch. I still loved him. Actually, I still LOVE him. But I had to weigh being alone with being a fucking idiot, and alone WON.

What I’m tryna say here is, I get the temptation. I get that you want to call him and text him, and laugh with him and kiss him and be happy with him again. I get how hard it is to forget all the great times you had. I get that you can’t help but think maybe you should give him ONE last chance, maybe this time he really will treat you right and love you like you love him. BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT YOU GUYS. The point is, you are sexy and cool and fun (well, at least I am. If you’re not IDK what to tell you) and  there are at least 20 other guys who actually WOULD be everything you needed, but you just keep looking them over cuz you’re stuck on that one guy who doesn’t even really give that much of a fuck. I know you can only think of the happy times with him, but guess what bro? You can make more happy times with someone else, and you don’t have to go through 10 days of misery and heartbreak and tears for every happy day. There is somebody else that can make you laugh, and somebody else will be your best friend and confidant and make your face light up when they walk into a room. Not to be cliche, but there really are other fish in the sea. So cast your net, and if the one you catch still ain’t right for you, then goddammit it’s On To The Next One. LIVE LIFE MY PEOPLE. peace

Ohhh man you guys…. January 7, 2010

I just came up with the two greatest ideas in the history of humanity. Gather round, children, and let me share them with you.

Shit…i forgot the first one

Ok fuck the first one. The second one was even more brilliant. Listen…you know how every fast food restaurant has like something they’re known for? Like, Mickey D’s has the best fries, and BK has the best burgers, and Wendy’s has the best chicken nuggets, and Sonic has the best drinks? What if I combined all of this in one restaurant that only sold the good shit on all the other restaurants menus? Like what if you could order a combo of  a Burger King burger, McDonald’s fries, Wendy’s chicken nuggets, and a Sonic drink all in one convenient location? Tell me that shit ain’t dope. I’m a fucking genious yo. Who wants in?

What Not To Wear December 19, 2009

My beautiful brothers and sisters, I washed my clothes (ugghhh) today, and when I was taking them out the dryer, I couldn’t help but notice that one of my shirts had a huge fucking tear right down the seam in the back. It was enormous and there was no way I was gonna be able to fix or disguise it or whatever. So I was pretty mad about this, like so angry I wanted to punch the wall! How dare my shirt tear like that after I was kind enough to buy it and wear it on my beautiful body and this is the thanks I get? A big ass hole? But then I realized that it was a plaid shirt, and after that I didn’t care anymore.

What I’m trying to say here is, STOP WEARING PLAID SHIRTS ALREADY, DAMN! Trends are temporary, you guys. They’re not supposed to last forever. That’s why people no longer rock denim suits and jersey dresses even though they used to be hot shit. Because those trends faded out. It’s the circle of life. And now, it’s time for this plaid shirt trend to say goodbye and maybe come back around in 10 years or so, do you understand?. 

Plaid peaked late last winter/early last spring, that’s when it was the hot new trend and that was when I bought like 14 plaid button downs because I was so excited about it. Then over the summer, it started getting played because everybody showed up at Alley Cats with pink&purple plaid and pretended like they were dresses even though they were CLEARLY shirts. By the time fall came around, even the lamest, latest people were buying plaid shirts from Citi Trends or where ever and convincing themselves that they were fashionistas when they wore them with leggings. Now, Winter 09, plaid is just sad (POW POW for the rhyme)  I loved plaid, y’all. Nobody is sorrier to see it go then me, and it makes me sad to think about all the plaid shirts I have that I will never wear ever again. But not even I can deny fate

Let me make one thing clear. If I see you wearing a plaid shirt, consider yourself JUDGED! I will think that you can’t dress, and I will be right. If you are still BUYING plaid, you are late for life. You’re probably still wearing houndstooth scarves and ballet flats. You probably ask people if they got that No Ceilings yet, cuz you heard it was fire. You probably just put R.I.P Michael Jackson as your Facebook status. You probably think America would never elect a black president.

P.S—>it’s not as bad when guys wear plaid. It’s still a little played, but I  guess y’all can get by till spring. Girls though, just stop the madness. D.O.P., ok? I love you guys

<——NOPE

You Should Be A Bad Bitch…It’s What All The Cool Kids Are Doing December 18, 2009

Every chick is a bad bitch, y’all. No, really. All you have to do is go to any girl’s Facebook page and she’ll TELL you how bad of a bitch she is. She might even have half naked bathroom mirror pics to prove it! These internet girls, I tell ya…..
So, what is a bad bitch anyway? What can I do to become one of these “bad bitches” that you speak of? If bad bitches are so special and rare, then how come EVERYBODY claims to be one? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t understand the obsession. I think maybe Nicki Minaj and her Harajuku Barbie image may have had something to do with it. Now every girl is running around with pink streaks in her hair claiming to be bisexual. damn. And instead of smiling in pictures, girls give pouty faces or just look away from the camera. Yeah. That’s how fucking BAD they are, the camera can’t even handle them! Now that’s a bad bitch. No, that’s a retarded bitch. And it automatically disqualifies the kid, because I’m  cheesing hard in I think every single picture I’ve ever taken

If you wanna be a bad bitch, you have to be conceited as hell. Even if you’re fucking hideous. I’ve seen so many girls whose faces make me wanna cry talk about how sexy they are. And even if you are an attractive young woman, broadcasting this fact to anybody who will listen is anything but attractive. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be confident. Confidence is amazing. Confidence is knowing who you are and being cool with it. Confidence is refusing to settle for less than you’re worth. Confidence has nothing to do with staring at yourself in the mirror all day or insulting girls who you don’t feel are as pretty as you. I know I’m a pretty girl. But I don’t feel like that entitles me to anything I didn’t earn, and I definitely don’t want the way I look to be what people remember me as or know me for. And I also understand that there’s always gonna be a girl just as or more beautiful than me…does that mean I’m gonna hang my head in shame and go cut myself whenever I realize that I’m NOT the most gorgeous woman that ever lived after all ? Um, fuck no. Because I understand that looks are SO not an accurate measure of a person. And if you have to declare how good you look all the time….then do you really look that good? Shouldn’t beauty speak for itself?

Finally, I kind of have a problem with the phrase “bad bitch” itself. I, sir or madam, am not a bitch of any kind. I would prefer “beautiful young lady” over “bad bitch” any day.

  <—ugh. NOT a good role model you guys

This One Goes Out To All My Haters December 17, 2009

You guys, there’s lots of stuff I hate in this big ol’ world, and I have valid reasons for every one of them. I hate cold weather because it makes me have to wear 8 layers of clothing. I hate waking up early because I feel blind, slow, and stupid in the morning. I hate Gucci Mane because he’s fucking wack and he’s destroying America. I hate Jose Cuervo because I took a couple shots too many one night last November and I puked my guts up all over everything and the next day I almost became the first person to die of a hangover.  I could really go on for days, fam….but my point is, I hate a lot of shit. As a matter of fact, I guess you could even call me a hater.

Yeah that’s right. I am a hater. And so are you, and everybody you know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re like “Bitch, I ain’t no hater. I HAVE haters, but I’m not one”. Well, first of all, don’t call me a bitch, and second of all THAT’s your problem right there. You think that you have haters, when nobody even cares about you enough to waste their hatred energy on your wack ass. And the thing that angers me is, like, people actually welcome haters. I blame rap music for this

But for real though.  People are always like “I love my haters!” or “Hi Haters!” or “Haters make me famous!” And I just don’t understand…like do you WANT haters? If so, why? Look, I understand that sometimes people don’t like you or have problems with you or whatever. And when that happens, there’s usually not a lot you can do to make them like you, so the best thing to do is just give ‘em that Kanye shrug and leave it alone. But come on. I refuse to believe that the average person has this constant stream of people that are jealously talking about them all the time. I believe that people just pretend to have all these haters because it makes them feel important or something. They think like, the more haters they have the better they’re doing in life. And that, sir or madame, is some bullshit.

Let me tell y’all something. I don’t love haters. I hate haters. (see what I did there?) I don’t buy into this whole prevalent mentality that I’m not cool unless I don’t give a fuck what other people think. Because you guys, I really do give a fuck. I want people to like me. I try my best not to let it influence my life too much, or make me do anything out of character or whatever, and I think I do a pretty good job of that, but the truth is I care whether or not you like me and I ‘m man enough to admit it. And I don’t think I’m being like a groundbreaking revolutionary or anything because I know everybody cares to some degree, but they all just act like they don’t. And I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to care you guys. You don’t have to show off your love of “haters” to prove that you’re not worried what other people have to say about you. Because you are worried. You want other people to like you, just like I do. It’s okay. Come cry on my shoulder, you little pussy. We’ll get through this together.

Oh, and BIG UPS…not to my haters, but to allll my loooovvvveeerrrrs! *chucks that deuce*

Stalk This Way December 17, 2009

You guys, the first thing that you should know about ya girl is that I’m a dedicated, certified stalker creepin’ around in your bushes at night, peeping through your window with super scope binoculars. Haha just kidding! I’ve never creeped in anyone’s bushes. What I have done,though, is hunt people down on Facebook and obsess over them there. Am I ashamed or embarrassed about this, you ask? Fuck no! Because I know you do it too

Look, let’s just be honest here folks. We like to pretend like Facebook is made for keeping in touch with friends or poking bitches or whatever, but everybody knows what FB is *really* about. Stalking the shit out of people. Oh, you don’t think so? So you’re tryna tell me that you don’t have that one person whose profile you check like a parole officer, and who’s status updates you try to break down and analyze? Bullshit. Maybe it’s an ex, maybe somebody you have a crush on, maybe someone you’re jealous of.

Me, I got about a  good six or seven people on my stakeout list. One of them is this girl that I’ve never even met. Yeah, you heard me right. I only vaguely know of her through some of my other friends. She liked my status once and that’s literally all the interaction that we’ve ever had, but if you think that keeps me from lurking on her page like Chester the fucking molester, then you are sadly mistaken. I don’t know what it is about her! I’m not GAY or anything, but she is really very pretty and she seems so cool man. Her status updates are hella funny and I don’t know…she seems a lot like me. My twin in a parallel universe. I kind of want to just smoke a blunt with her or something. I feel like we would be great friends. I fully understand that I sound like a hell of an unstable psycho about this, but I can only be me and me creeps around on random strangers, so take it or leave it.

Anyways, what I’m trying to make you understand here is that stalking is the business, and you should never be ashamed. The weird thing is, I love to Facebook stalk other people, but I hate to think about someone lurking on my page. It’s like, I can dish it out but I can’t take it. Maybe it’s because I don’t understand why anyone would be interested in my boring ass life, or maybe it’s because I watch entirely too much To Catch a Predator on NBC, but I just feel like okay, I know that I’m not a crazy person or a pervert so I feel okay about my own stalkage. But I don’t know your life. So don’t anybody dare start creeping me, because I AM MOST DEFINITELY WATCHING YOU. good afternoon!

why do i feel like…somebody’s waaattccchhhinnnn meeee

Allow Me to Introduce Myself December 17, 2009

So there I was, talking to my journalistic ethics professor Mrs. Reitman about some paper that I had recently turned in, when she comes out of nowhere and asked me if I liked writing. I had to think about it for a minute. I’m a print journalism major and I always got A’s on every paper or essay I wrote all through high school and college so far, so it would seem like the obvious answer would be Yes! But really, even though I’ve always been good at writing and was even planning to make a career out of it, I’ve never really LIKED it. It was like a chore. It was kinda like how I’m really good at brushing my teeth and I always get them super duper clean, but I don’t look forward to it or anything. I’m just not tryna have plaque and gingivitis taking over my mouth so that’s why I do it. 

Mrs. Reitman went on to tell me that I was an amazing writer and she could always tell when a paper was mine even without looking at the name on it because I had a distinct style. I was really flattered until she told me that even despite that, she could tell I didn’t have any passion for writing. She asked me if I knew what a blog was and I was like “Duh”. So she told me I should start one, because she felt like I would be in my element writing free-form about whatever topic was on my mind at the moment instead of being bound by all the rules and regulations of school writing.

I looked at her and I said “Mrs. Reitman, I feel you man, but I don’t think I could write a good blog”. She told me that I could do anything I wanted to do and that a talent like mine should not be wasted. “You’re special, kid. You could change the world with your words” she whispered. I know that sounds like a scene from a movie or something, but I swear it really happened. It was so inspirational. I was like, “Maybe this Mrs. Reitman is onto something”. So I went home and forgot about it for a while, until I told my best friend about it and she encouraged me and said that she would read my blog &amp; be my number one fan. I know that’s what best friends are supposed to say, but I really believed her you guys!

 

So then I went to sleep and woke up the next morning and wrote a blog called Loosey in the Skyy, whis is a clever wordplay on my favorite Beatles song and my love of alcohol. This blog is gonna be mainly about music and marijuana and conversations with my best friend and things people do that get on my nerves, because that’s what my life is about.You should definitely get to reading! You’ll love it. You will LOVE it